You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
