He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
