the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
