Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's shark week go big or go home
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
