Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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