hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
