youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
