I seem to have left my pride at pride
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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