All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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