and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
