Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
