cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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