I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
