I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
