my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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