That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
