Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
