the new term for farting is butt boxing.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
