So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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