why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
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I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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