hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
