please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
