the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
