You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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