My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
