Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
