About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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