so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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