he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Randomize
