One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
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Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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