Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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