Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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