Who wears a wallet chain?!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
