seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
