we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
