in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she smelled like a LAN party
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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