You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
