We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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