Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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