I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
