Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
