So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
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Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
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How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Couch. On fire.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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