My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
