he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
