My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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