I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My day in three words: secret purse cake
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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