I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
