Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
