i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
