spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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