I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
