My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
