I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
