I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
